I don’t talk about it often because it makes me sad, but a while ago I lost my dominant. Things weren’t working out between him and I, and we parted ways.
Such a heavy way to start this post, right? But it’s true. I lost my dominant. It hurt. Bad.
Our breakup happened over text- as did all of our exchanges. It wasn’t even a “we’re breaking up” thing. One day I said I needed a small mental health break, and the next thing I know we never did things again and my Dominant said that that was for the best.
He and I were never in an official relationship or anything- our relationship consisted of a fluctuating 24/7 BDSM-type relationship. (I say fluctuating because at times we’d go on a small break for a day or two, or we’d slip into our friend dynamic.)
With that being said, the relationship was still important to me. The dynamic was still important to me. I felt as if I wanted to build on it and grow with it- I wanted to be the best submissive I could be. I wanted so much. I fell short on a lot of my wants and a lot of my expectations of myself.
For a long time I told myself that’s why things didn’t work out with me and my Dominant; because I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t listen well enough. I didn’t work hard enough. I just wasn’t enough.
It’s really easy to tell yourself that though. It’s easy to slip into that mindset of beating yourself down and tearing up your own heart with those kinds of thoughts. I know it was for me. I just… beat myself up, and didn’t stop. For weeks. I cried constantly. I craved his attention in that way constantly. I did everything I could to have him reprimand me so I could have a semblance of structure to my manic brain. I went in a downward spiral.
This was unhealthy of me. It was unhealthy and it wasn’t fair to my Dominant who still remained my friend and undoubtedly knew that the causation was our breaking things off; mostly though, it was unfair to myself. I didn’t give myself a chance to even heal properly from the breakup. I didn’t give myself a chance to think “Is this the best for me? Is this the best for us?” I just went right to tears.
I guess, in hindsight, I can see why I cried so hard and for so long. The relationship was close to everything to me.
I could go on and on about how hurt I was, how torn up I was, how lost I was, but that’s not what this post is for. This post is to tell you how I grew from that breakup.
Picking yourself up from a breakup is hard- but, in my opinion, picking yourself up from a 24/7 D/s relationship was harder than a regular breakup.
See, for a long time, my days were planned out. I had routines. I had check-ins (mealtime, throughout the day, when I took my medicine, etc.). I even had my makeup picked out for me and a dress code.
All of this was very consensual and I enjoyed it. However, you can see exactly how much structure I had on a day-to-day basis. So when we ended things, instead of thinking “I should keep this routine.” I instead went balls-off-the-walls and fucked off on everything.
This was an act of rebellion. If I didn’t have my Dominant then fuck everything to hell. I didn’t want to do anything without him.
Who was I really hurting though? Was I hurting my Ex-Dominant? No. Was I hurting myself? Absolutely.
This is the first thing I want to tell you guys not to do- don’t hurt yourself because you lose your Dominant. Don’t hurt yourself because you lose anyone. I don’t just mean physically hurting yourself either. I mean don’t, in a fit of rage, stop taking your meds, or stop eating your meals at good times, or stop showering.
This is going to hurt you and only you. I had to really learn this the hard way. When my dominant didn’t come back despite me trying to show him I desperately needed his guiding hand, I had to sit down and have a moment of deep, deep introspection.
Why was I acting out?
What did I hope to accomplish?
Was I hurting him or was I hurting me?
If I did get him back through these antics, was it even good and healthy?
I want to really stress that last one- if my dominant came back, he’d have come back because I manipulated him into doing so; now that is not healthy. That’s an abuse tactic. Becoming an abuser, no matter how mild, was not and is not something I condone. No matter what outcome I want to get out of whatever situation.
Growing from losing my dominant meant asking myself tough questions. It meant building a new routine for myself. It meant allowing myself to cry from the pain of loss, but picking myself up and not allowing that pain to become me.
Growing from losing my dominant meant making sure I took my medicine because I simply needed to, not because I’d get punished if I didn’t. It meant rewiring my brain to function on a different level than the punishment/reward system that it had been functioning on.
I’m still growing from it too though.
Sometimes those “enough” thoughts that I talked about earlier still crop up in my head.
Sometimes I’ll see others talking about their Dominants and I get viciously jealous and cry because I feel like I’m all alone without one.
Every time a sometimes moment happens, I have to reign myself in. I have to ask myself if I’m looking at things from a rational standpoint. I have to ask myself if me not being “good enough” was the real problem. I have to accept the fact that my Dominant and I… Well, we were just like oil and water. We didn’t mesh well.
At the end of the day I can’t tell y’all how to process and feel your emotions. However, I can tell you that losing your Dominant is not the end of the world no matter how much it feels like it is. I can tell you that ruining your life because you don’t have that relationship anymore only hurts you. I can tell you that you’re worth more than manipulation, and heartbreak, and pain. You’re worth trying to grow from a tough situation like that. Even if it means setting your own schedule. Keeping your own self accountable. Giving your own self rewards. Being your own Dominant, so to speak.
I know it’s not the same. Trust me I know; but I also know that when you come out of the other side of that hard, harsh, painful breakup… You’ll be even better. You’ll have grown.
Furthermore, just because you lost one Dominant doesn’t mean you’ll never get another. Sure it’ll suck going through training protocols all over again, and getting to the same level of comfort you were at with your past one, but the important thing is- is that there are so many people out there. One of them is the perfect fit for you. One of them will Dom you to hell and back and you’ll love it.
Until then, until you find that perfect fit, remember that you’re enough and a Dominant won’t complete you. They’ll just complement the beautiful submissive you are and help bring that out.
You’re whole on your own though. No Dominant can take that away, or give that to you.