I began writing this post about a month and a half ago. It originally started out about the importance of taking care of your mental health, taking your medication, staying away from people who impacted you negatively, etc., etc. However, somewhere in between beginning to write this post, and now… My own mental health slipped through my grasp.
About a month ago I stopped taking my medication.
It wasn’t like “I quit taking these pills cold turkey!” no. It was more like I would miss a dose here, I’d mute my alarm and tell myself I’d take them later there, and before I knew what was happening, I hadn’t taken my meds in weeks and my mental health was… Bad.
I kept functioning more or less, but having Bipolar, Anxiety, Schizoaffective disorder, and depression… The functioning was at the bare minimum.
I began picking fights with friends. Things that I had had an interest in fell to the wayside, and I just stopped caring more or less. About everything. I’d have a severe low, followed by a manic high, and it was all just a mess.
One would think “Wendy, why don’t you just take your medicine?” and the answer is I was not only lazy and would just mute my alarm, but I also stopped seeing the point in my medicine. I mean, I was mentally ill and no amount of Effexor, Lamictal, or Abilify was going to fix that. Mentally ill is mentally ill. A broken brain is a broken brain. Right?
Well, I was wrong. Very wrong. I know that if I had been on my medication correctly, I would never have thought those things. I would have corrected myself very quickly. I would have corrected anyone very quickly. But seeing as to how I was very much off my meds, and very much not thinking straight, I allowed myself to become consumed by this vicious cycle of thinking.
Finally, and I don’t know how, the grace of the Gods perhaps, I broke out of the cycle and just picked up my medication bottle and took my meds one night, and then again in the morning, and kept repeating the cycle.
This was very hard to do.
It sounds so easy, but getting past that mental block after you’ve done something as drastic as going off your meds is really and truly so hard. It’s like everything seems pointless, even taking your medicine that makes you function at a good level. You really think “What’s the point?” after a while.
Convincing yourself there is a point is the step you take when you get that low. When you’ve stopped taking your meds. When you’ve taken all the steps you shouldn’t take. When you’ve completely fucked your shit up. Convincing yourself there’s a point and having a solid support system is the best thing for you at this point. That was the best thing for me.
So that’s been my month. I’ve gone through quite a few lows and even more highs. I’ve convinced myself to do crazy, reckless shit, and then thought better of it (thankfully). I’ve stopped taking my meds and then started taking them again. That also means I’ve gone through medication withdrawal and also gone through the jitters of getting all my medicine back into my system.
Not to mention the complete disconnect I’ve felt. I’ve felt disconnected from friends, and from society. It’s not been fun. But I’m glad to be back on my medicine. I’m glad to have a feeling of “normal”. It feels good to not be battling negative thoughts and manic phases. Now I’m just battling regular things- like writing reviews for my site and meetings with my editor.
Speaking of editors- I’ve got a few fun things planned for The Wench Works! Keep your eyes peeled for new ventures, collaborations, and speaking of works with companies!
I’m glad to be back, y’all.